From A Broken Heart
by Laura Schiller
Summary: Missing scene from "Human Error", referring to "Workforce". Janeway knows it's not a new gravimetric array Seven has been working on, but this time, she's not inclined to judge.


From A Broken Heart

By Laura Schiller

Based on: _Star Trek: Voyager_

Copyright: Paramount

/

" _Can your knees give out from praying so hard?_

 _Can you go blind from crying in the dark?_

 _Was it ever really real_

 _If he don't feel like I feel?_

 _(…) I wanna kick myself for falling so hard._

 _Mama, can you die from a broken heart?"_

Maddie & Tae, "Die From A Broken Heart"

/

Seven walked into Captain Janeway's ready room with her spine straight, her hands behind her back and her head held high. The Captain had warned her that, as soon as they were past the dangerous subspace beacons, she would be making a closer inquiry into the hours Seven had stolen from her duty shifts to spend in Holodeck Two. Now that the crisis was over, Seven was prepared to face the consequences. (Whatever they were, they couldn't measure up to the consequence she already carried in her cortical node.)

The Captain, however, did not look like an officer about to discipline a subordinate. She was sitting on the sofa and she had made hot drinks, not with her usual standard-issue steel mugs from the replicator, but using the gold-rimmed porcelain set she had brought with her from Earth.

"You wanted to see me, Captain?"

"Take a seat." Janeway patted the cushion next to her. "I made you some tea."

"Thank you."

Seven sat down and accepted the fragile cup and saucer. Janeway sipped her coffee, stalling for time, as she sometimes did on the rare occasion she was lost for words.

"I called you here to talk about … about your holodeck experiments," she said.

"I have deleted that program. I can assure you, Captain, it will never affect my duties again - "

"That's not what I meant." Janeway held up a hand to silence her. "That was one mistake, and since then your work has been exemplary as ever. It's your personal life that worries me, Seven. It's been a long time since I've seen you so withdrawn from the rest of the crew."

 _You would know, Captain._ The retort was on the tip of her tongue. If anyone could recognize someone acting withdrawn, it would be Janeway, who had a way of shutting her friends out for days or weeks. When Seven had tried to turn to her for support after losing their memories on Quarra, her mentor might as well have been back on Earth for all the notice she took. How ironic, that she would choose now of all times to pay attention again.

"I understand if you'd rather keep this private," said the Captain, "But I wish you hadn't lied to me about it." For the first time, a familiar glint of steel came back into her blue eyes. "We both know it's not a gravimetric array you were working on. Icheb's Science Fair project from last year still works perfectly. If you'll only tell me the truth, maybe I can help."

Seven bowed her head and stared down into her teacup. She _had_ lied to the Captain, she who had always been so contemptuous of human deception compared to Borg transparency, and that was another thing to atone for.

"You cannot assist me in this, Captain … but I will show you. May I borrow a padd?"

"Here." The Captain always had at least one, usually a stack of them, scattered around her coffee table.

"Computer, play security recording of Holodeck Two, beginning on Stardate 54701.1, time index 20:00."

She set her teeth and waited for the video to begin.

The first scene was the simulation of Torres' and Paris' baby shower. They watched as Torres unwrapped her gifts, teased her husband lovingly for being confused by Tuvok's logic puzzle, and applauded at the toast Seven made. The real Janeway's eyes softened when she saw the holographic Janeway give Seven a motherly pat on the arm and congratulate her on coming so far as an individual.

"My dear, I would have told you the same thing, Borg implants or no. Why didn't you come to the real shower? We all missed you."

Seven doubted that. Torres had been so uncomfortable receiving the insulated baby boots, and Paris still couldn't set eyes on Seven without cracking a Borg joke. But that wasn't the worst of it. "Wait. There is more."

They came to Seven's new quarters, and the Captain smiled despite herself when she saw the Neelix character suggesting blue and orange striped curtains. But the smile faded when the Chakotay character arrived with his dreamcatcher, and by the time he came back for their dinner date, Seven could not bear to look at Janeway's face at all.

" _Remain still,"_ past Seven murmured to fictional Chakotay, placing her hand on his to interrupt their efforts to open the wine bottle. (Drinking alcohol was yet another experience her Borg implants denied her.) _"You have an intriguing facial structure."_

" _I'll take that as a compliment,"_ he said, smiling, as she had rarely seen the real Chakotay smile.

Past Seven reached up to caress his face with her fingertips, drawing him close for a kiss. Present Seven's cybernetic hand trembled, forcing her to put the teacup down.

Janeway paused the recording.

Seven was still ashamed of herself, but her conscience was clear. At least now Janeway knew the truth. Now she knew exactly how selfish and frivolous Seven's reasons had been for neglecting her duty.

Janeway took a deep breath … but not to raise her voice, or to demand what Seven was thinking, or to tell her how inappropriate this was, or any of the million other reprimands she would be justified to make.

Janeway sighed.

"I used to do that," she said, in a voice as hushed with emotion as the recording itself. "With Jaffen … and with Mark before that. We used to just sit together wrapped in a blanket on winter nights and … and I'd touch his face for no reason at all."

That was the first time the older woman had even mentioned Jaffen's name since leaving him behind on Quarra a month ago. Seven hadn't understood. She remembered those two laughing at their workstations and walking home arm in arm from the power plant; as efficiency monitor, it had been her thankless duty to keep them apart during working hours. Janeway had been "withdrawn", in her own words, for weeks after leaving him. Still, it seemed an illogical waste for a couple to be unhappy apart when they could be happy together.

Now, though, Seven was beginning to understand. "Did you end your relationship with Mr. Jaffen because it would have interfered with your duty to _Voyager_?"

"Yes, I did." Her voice was grim, but resolved. "I'm old enough to know my limits. The only relationship I can be in is with an equal, someone who doesn't have to follow my orders. If Jaffen had hired on as a crew member on _Voyager_ , it wouldn't have been healthy for either of us. It's not in my nature … " Janeway's eyes widened with a stab of empathy. She put her hand on the younger woman's arm, not lightly like the holocharacter, but with the tight grip of someone at the edge of a cliff. "Hold on - is _that_ why you stopped running the program completely, even during your off hours? Are you … are you in love with the real Commander Chakotay?"

Was she? Not even the Doctor had asked her that after finding her unconscious from the effect of the failsafe mechanism. On some level, it was an alien concept for her even to think of love. But when she remembered touching the character's face, joking with him about her over-precise measurements when cooking, hearing him challenge her to play the piano without a metronome … when she remembered the real Chakotay with his quiet kindness and never-failing support, even in the beginning when he'd been afraid of his new Borg colleague … then she knew her answer, all the Collective's programming to the contrary.

"Yes."

"But … it's not the same for you. You're not in command."

True, and neither was Chakotay. He organized Seven's duty shifts, but the Captain was the only one with direct authority over them both. Not that the chain of command mattered much compared to a ticking bomb inside her own head.

"There are other factors that prevent me from an intimate relationship." In a few harsh words, Seven told her mentor about the failsafe device and how it had almost caused her brain functions to shut down. "So, you see, Captain, the Commander must never find out. No one must know, except for you and the Doctor."

"All this time … ? Damn it, Seven, how could you not tell me?"

"For the same reasons you never told me about leaving Mr. Jaffen!"

Two sharp voices made the porcelain rattle, and two pairs of blue eyes locked in identical glares. But when each woman saw how indignant the other was, they knew each other well enough to understand why. Janeway cracked a smile, but it was one of the saddest smiles Seven had ever seen her wear.

"My poor girl, this isn't what I had in mind by becoming your mentor. You shouldn't make the same mistakes as I do, Seven. Never be ashamed to confide in a friend when you're lonely."

"I did not think you would understand, Captain. You have always seemed so self-sufficient … I am sorry if I misjudged you."

"I am self-sufficient, I've had to be … but only up to a point. And I do understand." Janeway took both of Seven's hands, squeezed them once and let go, conveying (or perhaps receiving) strength and comfort.

If ever there was a time to ask the question that had been haunting her, it was now.

"Captain … how long will it take until these feelings for him go away?"

The corner of Janeway's mouth twitched. Something rolled down her cheek and fell into her cup of coffee. She took a long time to answer, and when she did, there seemed to be something caught in her throat.

"I wish I could give you an answer, but the truth is, I don't know. Sometimes they fade in a few weeks or so … sometimes, they leave traces that last a lifetime." Her eyes went to the photograph on her desk that showed herself and Mark Johnson, both smiling, sitting in a green field on either side of a golden-brown dog. Johnson's tousled gray hair and teasing smile resembled Jaffen's. Was that why Janeway had been drawn to her co-worker in the first place?

A lifetime … if _Voyager_ didn't find a shortcut to the Alpha Quadrant soon, she would have to see Chakotay every day for a long time. Every day he would stop by Astrometrics for her report, talk to her with his deadpan humor and open-minded wisdom, understand her in a way only fellow survivors of the Borg could understand, and yet always keep her at a distance … if they even survived that long ... For the first time, she almost hoped for her scans to find a wormhole.

"You mean to tell me," Seven asked, "That there is nothing I can do?"

Janeway drew her thoughts back from whatever corner of Earth they had been occupying and narrowed her eyes at Seven with a laser-like focus she knew all too well.

"There is something you can do, actually. I strongly encourage you to get that failsafe removed. What you do afterwards is up to you, but I will _not_ have my Astrometrics officer playing Borg roulette with her life when there are colleagues who depend on her."

"Is this the same sort of 'encouragement' you used to make me join the _Ares Four_ mission?" For which, truth be told, she would always be grateful.

"That's right. Don't make me turn it into an order."

The Captain's eyes, with tears still in the corners, blazed with the same white-hot energy that had driven her to rescue Seven from the Borg Queen's cube. If she had risked that much for her protegee, surely Seven could take the risk of a surgery and some heartache if it meant staying alive. She could survive anything, as long as Kathryn Janeway was on her side. Besides, once the failsafe was gone and she could touch Chakotay's hand without being afraid, maybe …

Hope, like nanoprobes, tended to multiply the harder you tried to destroy it.

"I will comply, Captain … in my own time."

"I'd expect no less, you stubborn woman. Finish your tea, it's getting cold."


End file.
